#33Stories: Day 17, "Snyder," a screenplay with Drew Smith and Drake Witham

#33Stories
No. 17: “Snyder,” a screenplay with Drew Smith and Drake Witham
Context at the end of this excerpt.
Other entries in #33Stories at the Table of Contents. See you tomorrow!
Writers Guild of American registration no. 1184318

Near the beginning of the screenplay:


INT. OFFICE --- NEXT MORNING

LEONARD is back in the rat maze of cubicles, coffee cups and broken dreams. He’s getting an earful from an irate customer, simmering.

LEONARD

Yes, I understand that you’re frustrated. 

Well I do think there’s uh, hey I don’t 

think that language is necessary…

Close up on Leonard as we see his getting red. The caller’s ranting is indistinct except for the phrase “you lousy motherfucker!”

LEONARD

That’s Uncalled for. No, NO I’VE 

SPENT TEN MINUTES LISTENING TO YOUR 

FEEBLE BRAIN FORM FOUL-MOUTHED INSULTS 

AND NOW YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME. 

LEONARD catches himself. Realizes he’s already gone too far, might as well finish with a bang.

LEONARD (Cont’d)

How dare you bring anyone’s mother 

into this? I will have you know that 

not only am I not lousy but your mother 

was quite pleased and the only reason 

I haven’t been back is that her RATES 

ARE MUCH TOO HIGH! Good Day, sir.

LEONARD slams the phone down only to see red light blinking, another call is waiting. He sighs and answers.

LEONARD

Customer Service. Can I help you?

(beat)

 Well that’s an interesting insult to open a conversation with a complete stranger. Listen up you MORON, the next time you want take out anger by screaming

at someone you don’t know or kick a dog or,

or well,, just don’t. Instead walk up to a nearby wall and bang your head repeatedly.

I’m NOT FINISHED YET. Bang your head until

you either pass out or you see enough of

your own blood that you can finger paint

this message – I’M A RUDE, SELF-IMPORTANT JACKASS! 

I’ll send you a dictionary to help with the big words.

LEONARD hangs up and hears an applause from his co-workers but doesn’t turn the light is red again.

LEONARD

Who wants some customer service now?

(beat)

Oh I’m fine thank you. Thank you for

not asking, ma’am. May I call you ma’am?

Thank you for being just like every other barely literate fool who 

has called over the past 17 years to dump your problems

on us… Hello?

LEONARD looks at the phone. Clearly the woman has hung up.

LEONARD

And then sometimes this job is easy.

Leonard is largely oblivious to the gathering crowd. SALLY is looking on but so is STELLA, the office busy body, PHIL, the suck-up, MARIA, the tart and WALLACE. He misses the gathering crowd ‘cause he notices that his co-worker FloReese is dealing with another pompous jerk. He also doesn’t see that the whole thing is being filmed.

FLOREESE

I can get you a manager, Miss but I’m

not sure why you have…

LEONARD

Give me that phone, FloReese.

FloReese pauses. She’s never really liked Leonard but she kinda likes what he’s doing today.

LEONARD

FLOREESE!

Before she can give him the phone he grabs it from her.

LEONARD

Manager’s number? Sure I’ll give it to

you. I’ll give you his home number. Why

don’t you call him in the middle of the

night and see if he cares anymore than I

do. But before you make that call why don’t

you see if you can locate your daughter at

that hour before she repeats your doubtless mistake of filling

 the world with illegitimate spawn. Oh, you know what we’re running a

special today on, on advice so I’ve got one

more for you – grab a pen. Start showing some

love for the people around you and maybe they won’t hate you and

 then you won’t have to be

so nasty to everyone you encounter. Believe

it or not, we are trying to help. Hold for

the manager’s number and in the meantime why

don’t you apologize to FloReese?

Leonard hands the phone back to FloReese and sees that a crowd has gathered around. Some are shocked, some are in awe and some are squarely in his sights.

STELLA

Real professional Leonard.

LEONARD

It’s really professional. Not real. Really.

But they probably didn’t teach much grammar

at busybody school. For once STOP STICKING

YOUR NOSE IN OTHER PEOPLE’s BUSINESS.

Some of them gasp, a few laugh, notably PHIL, the suck-up.

LEONARD

I don’t know what you’re laughing at Phil.

You’re better than anyone at sticking you’re little brown nose 

all the way in. WHO WANTSSOME NOW?

Just then Al the boss walks around the corner.

AL

What are you serving up Leonard, more of

the vitriol you’ve been sharing with our customers. 

You’re unstable, you’re unlikable and 

you’re unemployable. Get your ass out of here.

LEONARD

I’ll be expecting a nice severance. But

since you’ve come all the way down to the

front lines for the first time in what…seven

years I’d like to tell you, fearless leader

that you have all the intelligence and

charisma of a fire hydrant. But I don’t even

think a dog would want to piss on your sorry

ass. Good Day, yes I said Good Day, Sir.

LEONARD begins to gather his things, when FloReese motions toward him.

LEONARD

Sorry about that call, FloReese.

FLOREESE

Not at all. It was my sister.

LEONARD

Oh, I’m sooo sorry…

FLOREESE

She needed to hear it. Thank you Leonard.

Leonard walks out and the place erupts in applause.

Context:

Screenwriter Drew Smith and I have worked on many projects together, including the screen version of "King of Hearts" and a long-running collaboration, "The Memory Bank," variously titled "The Memory Bank" and "Since the Sky Blew Off," for my short story on which it is based.

More on "The Memory Bank" in Day 18.

Although we have come close, Drew and I have yet to see any of our collaborations hit the actual screen. We still have hope! But if you know anything about Hollywood, you understand that disappointment and heartache are a part of the game.

In "Snyder," we brought in my old friend Drake Witham, a former newspaper reporter who left the biz to pursue his dream of becoming a stand-up comic, which he did. We wrote "Snyder" in the early days of YouTube, but we had figured out, like many others, the power it would have. And so that is the beginning of the narrative arc of the script: "Loser" Leonard discovers a rare talent for stand-up, and a YouTube clip goes viral, catapulting the man onto the pages of Variety.

I still like this one. Thanks Drake and Drew (sounds like the name of a bad law firm!) for working on "Snyder." I had fun then, and reading it now pleases me still.